Elusive Question
by heartachequisition
Summary: The words she wished to say could no longer be heard. He was already gone, gone, gone. Hinted ShinAya, Toumei Answer AU where they swap places.


"Hey, Ayano, what do you think happens to someone when they die?" Shintaro asks her this on a good day, when she's not too out of sorts or out of breath to answer. She's glad, because this is such a deep question, and she doesn't want to disappoint him.

"Maybe they become an angel! Or a ghost!" She laughs as his eyes widen ever so subtly. "Or music, maybe they turn into music."

He answers after a short breath, and she's never seen him this intrigued. "Interesting theory. I had always thought people would merely be replaced after they died."

"That's so dark, Shintaro."

"Wouldn't that be more logical, though?"

He was always thinking in levels way above hers.

"Logic doesn't always make things fun, silly."

* * *

...

..

Ayano thinks the best thing in the world is to bring people happiness, but she no longer thinks she is capable of doing so.

It is a bitter, ugly feeling _– regret_ – and she only wishes she could have a second chance.

..

...

* * *

"Look, Shintaro, let's make 1000 paper cranes!"

The classroom is lit brightly, and the summer sun is blazing as her classmate turns to her and gives her a small, rare smile.

"Why should we, Ayano?"

"To make a wish." She answers readily. "It'd be something like that."

"If you really want to, then it's fine." The smile drops, only slightly. She overlooks it.

Raising a hand, he pulls a sheet from his bag and starts to fold. In the corner of the paper, she sees the blaring 100; and congratulates him.

"You always do so well in the tests. You're really smart, Shintaro."

At this statement, he merely shrugs and tells her it is nothing. She can see the happiness in his eyes even when he looks out the window to avoid her gaze.

"It takes a little effort, is all. I know you will be able to do it one day as well."

"I'm happy you have so much faith in me."

"It's not so much faith as stating the facts."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For everything."

He shakes his head as if she's being ridiculous, but Ayano is already used to it.

* * *

...

..

She wishes she had known it at the time, but she knew Shintaro would never have told her even if she asked.

Instinctively, the way a coward flees from trouble and a fool ignores the truth, she knows she couldn't have stopped him no matter how hard she tried.

It is so hard now, to remember.

But it was even harder to forget.

..

...

* * *

"Congratulations. You did well this time."

Ayano glances at the 72 in her hands and feels the relief wash over her. She then launches herself into Shintaro's arms, chanting 'thank you thank you thank you' over and over again until he gets so embarrassed he pushes her off.

"I didn't do anything! You're improving so slowly anyway. Don't get your hopes up too much."

He seems so cold to others, yet he is not as cold as he seemed and this is why she loves him so much.

"Thank you lots and lots, Shintaro. You're really the best."

"You still haven't gotten full marks in anything yet." He sighs, though his tone is earnest. She knows he won't stop helping her.

"I wouldn't have gotten here without you!"

"You did the work yourself. Don't say things like that."

She will tell him soon.

* * *

...

..

He wasn't unkind, no, quite the opposite. He just wouldn't have wanted her to worry in the end, she knew that much.

It wouldn't change her worries, even in the present when she no longer sees him in any place but her dreams.

She thinks she hears the unspoken 'stay with me' when she's looking back sometimes, and she wishes to all the higher heavens that she had stayed.

..

...

* * *

"Why do you follow me around so much? Do you like me or something?" Shintaro asks this when he's feeling particularly insecure, and she knows because he knows that she always gives the same answer.

Ayano briefly wonders how he would react if she said that she did.

"You're my friend, and I care about you! Who'd look out for you if I wasn't here?"

"You're so annoying."

She thought she'd be offended if she didn't see the fleeting fondness reflected in his eyes. His eyes were always the most expressive.

"You put up with me though. That's all I ever wanted from you." Hugging him from behind, she pulls at his cheeks, "Well, that and to see you smile more."

Soon.

* * *

...

..

"You're so annoying." She remembers him biting out the worn phrase through ugly tears, and at the time she didn't dare press him.

"You put up with me though." Ayano states from the doorway, keeping her distance. It was time to go home. "That's all I ever wanted from you."

..

...

* * *

Shintaro watches her make the cranes, and she cheerfully tells him, "Almost there. I've made 900 by now! Ah, my hands are so tired…"

"What will you wish for?" He asks gently, hesitantly trying to disguise his curiosity.

"It's a secret, but I'll tell it to you when it comes true."

A sigh. "Won't I already know it by then?"

Ayano laughs, placing her new imperfect crane beside his countless perfect ones. She is so, so close now.

"You won't. It's a surprise."

* * *

...

..

The first moment she ever saw him cry, was the last.

Her last memory with Shintaro was caught up in that first.

..

...

* * *

She continues to fold the cranes even while she's alone. Shintaro told her it wasn't that big of a deal, but he didn't know what this all means to her. She reaches 990 when she stops, exhausted, and falls asleep where she is sitting.

She is sure she will reach the goal tomorrow, and when she did, she would finally tell him.

* * *

...

..

Ayano discovers the next day, a folded crane on the roof. Ten exactly, ten cranes tainted with the 100 that he always scored.

If she collects these ten cranes, she thinks, she can make her wish come true.

But it's not right to steal, and she knows that.

A smart note in familiar handwriting, attached to one of them reads;

_100 x 10 = 1000. It looks like my wish came true before yours._

And she wishes she could be happy for him, but she can't because it's all destroyed.

Her wish was not that;

Not that;

And now, her wish wouldn't ever reach him.

It'd never reach him.

She could fold thousands and thousands more, but she'd never get the chance again.

Underneath a crane is scribbled hastily; _I couldn't tell it to you in the end._

Ayano scrunches up the crane. "I couldn't tell it to you either."

To the air she speaks, her voice wavering but she knows no-one can hear her.

"Do you want to hear my wish, Shintaro?"

She unfolds all the cranes and rips them apart – she trashes his delicate wish but she doesn't care.

He did the same to hers; he ruined her fragile little wish before he ever heard it.

And now he'd never hear it.

_It was for the best. _The writing is small, faint.

She doesn't dare wonder why.

"Do you want to hear my wish, still?"

A shallow breath. She knows he's no longer going to hear her.

And she knows not once she'd utter words like these out loud again.

Not when the only person who ever needed to hear them had already slipped away.

"My wish, my only wish;

Did you ever want to hear my wish?"

A small scrap of paper lies on the edge of the roof and she's sure she would have missed it if she were only seconds too late.

The dirtied scrap reads; _I really wanted to be with you._ As if it were not meant to be read, or seen.

And she lets the unshed tears fall one by one;

"My only wish was to be with you, too."

She chokes on these words, and it hurts so much, and she knows it would have hurt him more but it was all gone, gone, gone.

...

..

_With you._


End file.
